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I start work on Friday.
The end of life as I know it.
I haven't updated in a while. I guess I start all of my entries like that now. Chronicling my life does not seem as enthralling as it once did. I suppose now it's because I am actually living in, instead of dwelling in the events. But for the sake of tradition, I am going to write about my life from the past few weeks.
Dustin and I are still trying to manage the friendship ideal, but the line between friend and boyfriend are still very mixed. I think I am just so dependent on him for support, friendship, and comfort that I can not bear to move on with my life completely. For the past 3 years, he has just been such a huge part of my college experience, that I would literally be lost without him. My whole college routine would be shattered. I know it's healthy to be so dependent on one person, but he was all I had. Now that I have made friends, and have begun to move on in a new direction, I feel guilty because I am leaving him behind. That is the main problem I am struggling with right now.
I like Ryan, and I could see myself dating him (someday), but the thought alone tears my heart apart with guilt because Dustin "doesn't want to date anytime soon." Although that's his decision and completely fine, I can't help but feeling guilty because I feel like I am leaving him behind and seeking new things. I don't want him to think I am replacing him. I don't want him to think I don't love him anymore, or respect him, or want his friendship, because I do. I do. I do. (Sylvia Plath, much? A much too much). It's just that sometimes I still feel tied down because of these feelings and if I feel smothered, then I am sure he does too.
It's hard to juggle friendship between two people who do not like each other. I am constantly apologizing for the other person, or trying to be the mediator, but it gets tiring. I am constantly amazed at how well Dustin is handling everything. I know that living with Ryan is so difficult for him, yet he still manages to be calm about everything. I don't know what more I could ask of him.
I'm still not ready to write about Ryan yet. I'm not ready to think about these feelings. It's all so foreign. There are times when I can embrace how I feel and realize that in more time I will be ready for new things, but then there are times when I break down and cry because I don't want to hurt Dustin. Since I am so torn, I know that I am not ready to start a new relationship or anything of that sort. There's plenty of time, and I really need to heal, and work on my friendship with Dustin, because he is someone that I really do not want to lose.
Then again, neither is Ryan. I hope all of my attention to Dustin doesn't affect him. I've never really talked to him about it...
In other news! I am doing my prepracticum at McCann Tech School here in North Adams. I'm slightly scared because I wouldn't think of sending an English teacher to a tech school, but I'll roll with it. My mentor teacher emailed me back I am going to the school on Tuesday at 1 to talk with her and meet her senior English class. I'm excited and nervous! I'm mostly nervous about the fact that I have to complete 60 hours of classroom time in 10ish weeks. It's going to be a demanding schedule with my 4 classes at college. I'll do it though. I always do.
My other classes are boring and mundane. Brit Lit is... ugh. World Lit could have to potential to be interesting, but there isn't enough time in class to delve into the text. Reading in the content are is WICKED boring, and Teaching Strategies could be ok. The last two are both 2 1/2 hour classes, so it's hard to concentrate for so long.
My weeks here consist mostly of napping and hanging out at 15. That will all change once I start going to the highschool, though. I think everyone at 15 finally considers me a friend, which makes me feel good and more comfortable being over there. As much as it is awkward that Ryan lives there now, it also helped bridge the gap that was there with everyone else. On a sidenote, I made everyone roar, and it was cute and goofy!
My nautical obsession has grown!
I can't think of much else to write. There have been a lot of silly things that happened, but I'm sure if I look back in a year or so, they won't mean anything to me, so I won't bother typing them out.
I'm in a strange place in my life right now. I feel both lost and accepted at the same time. My hormones are raging right now! It feels like the civil war in my uterus, so I am gonna lay down and wait for Frasier to come on.
Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:: Death Cab For Cutie
Are you female or male:: Different Names for the Same Thing
Describe yourself:: A Lack of Color
How do some people feel about you:: A Movie Script Ending
How do you feel about yourself:: I Was A Kaleidoscope
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:: I Will Follow You Into the Dark
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:: Debate Exposes Doubt
Describe where you want to be:: Passenger Seat
Describe what you want to be:: Soul Meets Body
Describe how you live:: Steadier Footing
Describe how you love:: The Sound of Settling
Share a few words of wisdom:: Someday You Will Be Loved
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I've decided to make a picture story of today's events:
Colleen took the bus over my house, and at 2:45 Melissa showed up. We decided that our asses: (mine)
(colleen's)(and melissa's) needed a little work out. So we trecked through the woods. This is where it all began. After walking for fifteen minutes we needed a break. So Colleen and I sat on this random chair in the woods. Unfortunately, she got me so incredibly horny that my bulging boner appeared. That was wicked embarassing. I eventually fixed it. Melissa called me over to the couch pretending she wanted to get into my pants (because you all know how horny I was), but instead she just pushed me off. I dirtied my hands. :( But Colleen was still a little aroused, so she showed us her boobs. I had to give her 2 bucks. We decided to keep moving. Melissa made us her slaves. middlefingercore. We had to walk for miles on end. . You don't even know how tired we were. But, we got Melissa to do some shrooms . She passed out and we got our revenge! No more slave master. To celebrate, Colleen and I toked up . The pipe was a little long, but we managed. I thought I was Superman (it was really good weed). And then Colleen and I watched TV. Nothing good was on, so we left. Colleen got me to take the left over shrooms from Melissa. . Unfortunately for her, I halluscinated that she was a witch and were back in 1600 Puritan New England.
<lj-cut text="I hung her"> </lj-cut>. And then disposed of both the bodies (Colleen's and Melissa's). It was all just a dream I came to realize, and Colleen and Melissa were never really dead. We walked some more through the woods and this led to the water tower that we never knew was there . Then a car came and told us to leave. We then forgot what road to take back , but we recognized Colleen's house , so we took that road. We road bikes , and eventually came out to a very familiar neighborhood. We decided to go to Tom's house, but on our way there we saw some random sophomore rollerblading, but he wasn't too friendly. Then we made it to Tom's! We were going to bake him a cake for his birthday, but I didn't have enough eggs. But we had to go home. Melissa got so excited by Tom's pressence that she pissed herself.Actually, she just ran through his sprinkler. Our walk home was filled with animals! A snake almost attacked us , and a squirrel got ran over and his heart went flying across the road. <lj-cut text="View squirrel heart with discretion"> </lj-cut>. Then we decided to go to Dunkin Donuts. Colleen enjoyed her muffin , but Melissa was really pissing me off so I ripped her a new asshole . Then we went back to my house, and that was basically my day.
I got my book, "Hot Water Music," by Bukowski. I read the first page in the car. It's going to be an awesome book.
Comment if you want to stay a friend.
Taken from flaminghearts87
A - Age: 16
B - Boyfriend: No one
C - Career in future: Teacher, or writer, or actress
D - Dad's name: Scott
E - Easiest person to talk to: Melissa
F - Favourite song at the moment: Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh- Bright Eyes
G - Good movie recently seen: The Village and Strangeland
H - Hometown: Mashpee, MA
I - Instruments: Keyboard, piano
J- Job Title: Cashier
K - Kids: I want 1
L - Longest car ride ever: Florida when I was in 1st grade
M - Mum's name: Tracey
N - Number of siblings: 2
O - Olives Anyone?: NO!
P - Phobia[s]: Willy Wonka and Aliens
Q - Quote: No idea!
R - Reason to smile: Love and friends
S - Song you sang last: "Crack Cocain!" by Melissa and me
T - Time you wake up: depends on if I work or not
U - Unique trait: Being able to impersonate Cher
V - Vegetable you love: Broccoli
W - Worst habit: Spending too much money
X - X-rays you've had: teeth and knee
Y - Yummy food you make: haha...cereal? Nothing. I can't cook
Z - Zodiac sign: Capricorn
Melissa and My Song
Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be.
Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.
Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.