Who am I?

I feel like I've lost myself. I feel like I have been lying to myself about so many things. I am confused about a lot of things. I don't know who my real friends are. I don't know who really like me for who I am. It feels like my life in a lie. I feel so lost, and I am beginning to feel alone, and it's not because I don't have a boyfriend (just to make that clear). I just feel like no one understands who I am emotionally. Seth did, but he's gone now. We were so perfect together. He's going through a tough time right now. We've been through the same thing before. I was talking to him last night, and I sort of told him that I felt like he never loved me. I know it's an old topic, and I know that we broke up 4 months ago, but I still think about him. It actually came about when I was cleaning my room and I found the scarf he made me. I actually sat on my bed and began to remember what we did. When I was with him I felt like I was such a little kid. We giggled, we were immature, and nothing really mattered except us. It was like something out of a movie, literally. I loved him so much, and I fucked it all up, I know. Anyway, he told me that he did love me, and that I was such a huge part of his life. And I am really happy that he and Kiva are in such an awesome relationship. I know it might seem like I am lying, but I really am happy. I just can't help but feel a little jealous when I look at his profile and it's dedicated to Kiva, and to know that he does what we do with Kiva. It's normal, right? I don't even know what I am getting at. This started with who I am, and ended with Seth. It makes no sense. I am just rambling too, partly because I am bored, and partly because I have a lot of stuff on my mind.

My parents met as juniors in high school. They've been married for 17 years. Sometimes I wish that my love life was easy as that. I envy all of those high school kids that meet the love of their life. Why can't I? It makes me feel like I will never find my true love. I know I'm only 16, and I have a lot of my life left, but I don't want to wait.

Oh well. I am going to stop rambling, and I feel brave enough to make this public, but I am probably going to get a bunch of mean comments because I have screwed up my life so much that I have made people hate me.

I just don't care anymore.